He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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