she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
