I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
