He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
