i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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