You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
