im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
