fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
