in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
