when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
