Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
