If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
