I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
