I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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