oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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