I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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