Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
