Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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