I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
