she pinky promised me she was 18
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
