I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
