conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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