i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
