Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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