I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
They took my balls.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
