i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
