I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Be still, my beating vagina.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
