DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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