He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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