Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize