you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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