Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
