she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
