Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
