Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize