actually, I'm a sock model
so explain again why im purple
no
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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