Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
