I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize