I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
