dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
