that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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