It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
