youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
