i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
