he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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