Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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