I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
