it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
