i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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