Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
