Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
