I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize