I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
