dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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