dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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