So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
