He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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