if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
